Use but not Abuse

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We are all born into the world of relationship. One dictionary definition states that it is - the way in which two or more people or things are connected, or the state of being connected.

I believe that we are all connected but that the quality of connection varies greatly. Further that our connection with ourselves is perhaps our most important relationship and significantly influences how we relate with externals. However, for the majority of our existence it would seem that being self-reflective and self-empowered has taken a back seat to a belief in need and restriction.

When in need we are more likely to manipulate and compromise in order to have our needs met. Further, the more we value an external the more we fear loss, thus, risking losing connection to our most authentic selves. This is evidenced in our retail industry, government and in powerful activities such as sex. Unless we are very secure we tend to warrant doing whatever it takes to get what we perceive we need.

So it would seem that the saying ‘Use and Abuse’ is a fair assessment of how we often experience relationship. The purpose of this piece of writing is to question if we can use relationship in a way where we all benefit.

An avenue towards such mutual benefit could be achieved by engaging in a deeper exploration of relationship. Perhaps we need to accept that we all likely use externals and that this can potentially be okay. For example I believe that parents frequently choose to have children as they believe a child will add value to their lives. I also wonder that if there is a God why he or she would have created relationship if not with the intention of improving his or her experience of existence? 

If we could truly accept that we all have needs and look to relationships to have these needs met then guilt, shame and hurt might be avoided or at least reduced. From this perspective I believe that we could begin to relax, slow down and reconnect to our most intuitive selves. That from here we would be more certain of our decisions and lead ourselves towards experiences that provide actual fulfillment.

This was evidenced for me by an intimate encounter I had several years ago. I had been intimate with this lady a few times before and we were not in a monogamous relationship. On this occasion as in each other time we had been together the feeling was incredibly fulfilling and exciting. 

Later in the day I was eating some hot chips I had ordered and was also so enjoying this sensory experience. It became very clear to me  that I was using the woman and the chips to provide me with sensory joy. However, I also realized that provided I am in the moment and conscious of the relationship that I am gaining benefit not just in my physical senses but also in my emotional self. I am in this way in gratitude to the woman, the chips and anything else in relationship that I am consciously choosing.

Such conscious relationships do seem rare and limited by our fears of being hurt and also hurting others. However, provided we embrace our fears and make experience and communication a key, hurt can be significantly minimized. I knew on this day that I had enjoyed the chips and had also had enough. Ceasing to eat the chips and eating something else or going to another activity is not in any way rejecting or lessening the value of the chips. Similarly, enjoying intimacy at the deepest possible level and then moving to a different activity is not rejecting the woman or the intimate experience.

I can imagine some people will see this rationale as flawed. However I believe we have inhabited a world of pretence, a state where we enter relationships already tense and act without authenticity. That we have held need, fear and guilt but have pretended otherwise. If we can cast aside our need to protect ourselves and each other from our shared vulnerability then the communication can bring a deep understanding of and respect for relationships.

From this place we can begin to see externals as creations for joy rather than things that we desperately need to fulfill us, opening up the potential to create lives of genuine gratitude. I believe it is truly time to go super deep to ask what we are living for and do all we can to live life with passion, honesty and open communication.