Confusion

My parents stimulate my writing so much. They live a long way from me but i often talk with them on the phone. This morning my father really got me thinking and feeling. He has always been a very deep feeler but due to hurt early in life tries to use his head to protect himself from being hurt.

Often Dad chooses to avoid people and activities that may touch his emotional buttons. Further he often closes his mind to certain conversations in case he is seen to be lacking in intelligence. At school he had dyslexia and was often punished by teachers who back then had no awareness of the condition.

The thing is my father can be so intuitive when he is relaxed and allows himself to feel and speak. Ever since I was little I could sense the inner wisdom and strength of my father. However I also felt his pain when he was placed outside of his comfort zone. As an adult I have gained an understanding of why he has carried such fear in certain circumstances.

Whenever my father becomes confused an unconscious pain button is triggered and he avoids the confusion. If further pressured he will even become mildly aggressive in his efforts to avoid his confusion being seen. He lives what he believes to be a happy life but his happiness does seem to depend upon having control of his environment.

I believe that many sensitive people are controlled by a society that is so judgmental and pressuring. It appears that it is becoming increasingly important for people to fit in and conform. This is really making it uncomfortable for sensitive and creative people to express their inner visions with any freedom. I believe it is encouraging people like my father to not go deep into what they feel for fear of being judged as wrong.

However society in general is in my opinion vastly underperforming. We live in a world with little original creation and inspiration. Further the barriers to anyone who does have creative vision are great. I wonder how Jesus would be received these days? I would imagine that his beliefs would most likely be conditioned out of him by our schooiing system and by our media. That he would have gained his sense of self from how competitive he was in school marks rather than the depth and vastness of his internal visions.

I am, like my father, a deeply sensitive and creative soul. I prioritize understanding my heart and often am at odds with society and my friends with what I think and believe. Often I get very challenged by the lack of proof for what I believe but also know that I will never be happy until I fully understand my heart. If i was to live up to society expectations I believe i would have experienced deep depression by now.

I believe my father and many other creatively powerful people are either chaos or living under restriction. That they are conditioned to think they are happy but deep inside know they are living a shadow of their true potential. I suppose this post is to ask if many out there are also unconsciously living in restriction of their true potential. To encourage any who are to really ask themselves what they fear in being confused. Why is it so hurtful to be judged by others and by society? Why should we doubt our own deep inspirations just because we have been raised to believe that we need the approval of others to be happy?